In no particular order, here are eight reasons why by my own choice I’m pretty sure I’ll be single forever. If I ever write about some of the dates I’ve been on or relationships I’ve been in, you will wonder how I narrowed it down to only eight. But don’t worry, there are plenty more reasons I want to stay single. I’ll get to them eventually!

1- I do not understand the desire to sleep next to another person. 

I need an entire bed to myself. At least a queen-sized bed because I’m a mother fucking adult. I routinely wake up to my Fitbit telling me I got 100 steps while I was asleep. I’m rolling. I’m turning. I’m sleeping diagonally across that bitch. I’m sleeping starfish style. I’m waking up warm and rolling over to the other side of the bed so I can sleep in the cool spot. I’m waking up sweaty as fuck and rolling over so I can sleep in the dry spot.

I’m farting loudly. I have Alexa playing me the sweet sweet sounds of thunderstorms and rain to lull me to bed and shut out any annoying sounds my neighbors make, which are basically any and all sounds because I like to sleep without other people’s fucking noise.

The idea of giving any of that up to sleep next to another person’s sweaty, stinking, snoring, farting, loud mouth breathing body? Hell no.

2- You make too much noise

I happen to have really good hearing. That buzz that no one else seems to hear? I hear it. Which means, I can probably hear you breathing. I can hear you chewing your food in this mushy, snarfy, animal chomp. And I can hear you slurping.

I can hear the death rattle you make in your sleep that might be breathing or might be snoring or might actually be dying. If you’re not snoring too loud, that means you probably have to wear one of those damn CPAP machines because I am old enough to have to be with someone on a CPAP machine. Then it’s your machine that is too loud.

I hear you making weird noises in the bathroom that I can’t understand.

Every noise you make that you think no one can hear is amplified by my super hearing. So to prevent me from going insane because you make too much fucking noise, it might just be better if I stay single.

3- I don’t want to do anything specific with my body hair for another person

Sometimes, but not very often, I shave my armpit hair. Because honestly, who cares about my armpit hair? My upper arms are flabby as fuck and I don’t like them seeing the light of day, so the chances anyone will see my pit hair are slim.

Same goes for my legs and leg hair. Though, at some point in my pubescent years, some lady I didn’t know told me that I should shave my leg hair. Apparently, this is a thing that happens when you spend most of your time living with your dad and kindly ladies feel bad for you about how you don’t know about lady things. So, they tell you what you are supposed to be doing as mandated by lady society.

Therefore, I dutifully learned how to shave my legs by basically cutting the shit out of myself and bleeding all down my legs and feet in the shower. Then, at some point, I decided I actually didn’t give a shit about it. But, sometimes when I get sick of looking at the strip of leg hair that only seems to grow on my shin, I will shave my legs so I can join lady society for just a bit. Mostly though, I don’t give a shit, and so I don’t want to feel pressured to do it because somebody else seems to give a shit.

And then there’s like all the other hairs – which I also don’t care about. My eyebrows look fine. I don’t care. Except for that one really weird, super fine white hair that seems to grow now that gets to be about 4 inches long before I notice it. That one I’ll pull, but that is only for my own sanity.

And I am definitely not doing anything special for my pubes. I’m not landscaping and waxing and doing anything painful with that shit. Also, I’m not removing my pubes because you watch some weird porn where women look and act and dress like schoolchildren and so you think that women shouldn’t have any pubic hair. Women have pubic hair, sorry to break it to you. 

4- I don’t want to deal with your body hair either

Some people are super turned on by really hairy guys and like to look at a man naked who is wearing a hair sweater, but I am not that person. I don’t want to date a bear. I don’t want hairy shoulders and hairy back and hairy belly and all that. And I totally understand that it is not fair for me to not want to do anything with my body hair and then tell you that you have to do something with yours. And I won’t. Because I can just stay single.

5- I like food

I’ve already been shamed by a boyfriend for my weight. That won’t happen again. If I want to eat nachos all day every day, I will. And if I want to eat nachos every day, which I will, you can guarantee that I will be farting up a storm. I am 100% too old to try to hold my farts in or pretend like I don’t fart all the time.

Also, as a good friend of mine once said – Fuck a salad. 

6- I probably don’t want to do that sex thing you want to do

I don’t want to give you a blowjob. I don’t want anything put up my asshole. I don’t want to stick any of my fingers up your asshole. I don’t want to 69 because honestly what are we – 20 years old? I definitely don’t want to do that thing you saw in a video that one time.

Also, I don’t want to do any foot stuff. Feet are gross.

7- I’d rather be single than be in a shitty relationship

Some people seem to think or feel they are not whole unless they are in a relationship with someone else. I am not one of those people. I don’t believe being in a relationship makes me a better person in some way than people who are single. I’m not someone who has to have something planned every minute of every day and be with other people all the time in order to feel fulfilled.

I will not implode if I have to spend time by myself. I am a fully functioning adult all on my own. And I would rather be by myself, enjoying myself, doing what the fuck I want to do when I want to do it than be in some shitty relationship just because I was afraid to find out who I was as a single person.

8- I don’t want to deal with any toxic masculine bullshit

I don’t want to deal with any dudes who can’t handle that I make more money than they do or that I’m smarter than they are. Because it’s very possible I am going to be smarter than you are and that’s just a fact. Maybe I’ll make more money than you or maybe I won’t. Don’t make it a fucking issue and it won’t be.

Also, I don’t want to have to convince you that women are treated differently than men or that I have been subject to being treated differently because of my gender. That shit is just a fact too.