I have previously mentioned how an experience with ants scarred me in my youth. But, I don’t think that fully encapsulates how much I hate ants. Seeing but a single ant in my house flips a switch in my brain. I turn into a military genius / for-hire killing machine capable of planning multi-thronged attacks on my enemy.

This morning was just such a morning. I woke up and went into the kitchen to start the multi-step process I must engage in to care for my cat overlord and I saw an ant scampering carefree across the counter. Then another. And then another.

How fucking dare they come into my house! These sonsabitches had no idea the terror they were about to unleash on themselves. The insult! That they dare step their multiple legs into my mother fucking kitchen!

Now there are other bugs that I give a reprieve to. Spider? Oh sure sir, let me find a piece of junk mail to assist your passage outside. Fly? I will make at least one attempt to usher you out through a window or door before unleashing full-scale assault. But, ant? Fuck you immediately!

Thus began my multi-pronged assault. Because let me tell you ant, when you come into my kitchen, I am like John Wick. I come for you and everyone you ever loved!

First, I obviously cleaned everything off the counters because that’s just good practice. But after that… I went outside to find their trail and traced it as far back as I could. I poured water mixed with dish soap all over their trail and then when back and sprayed vinegar all over it as well for good measure. This is meant to effectively cut them off from calling for backup.

Next, I continued to spray my vinegar and water mix over any ant I saw, but this is when these mother fuckers launched their counterattack!! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement. One of these assholes had the nerve to be crawling on my glasses!!! Can you believe that shit?!

So I immediately busted out the baking soda and black pepper to fuck up their path inside my house and laid those bait traps down. I am currently keeping watch to see if any more dare to show their faces. I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’ve won. I know my enemy and they are resilient. I must remain vigilant over the next few days to maintain the sanctity of my kitchen.