Before we get into my experience with Mean Dentist, here’s something about Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs) you might not know. When you get laid off, you are basically fucked out of any money you have in your FSA. The last day you can use that money is most likely your last day of employment.

So when I found out I was getting laid off, I had three days to spend ~$500 from my FSA. You know, because it’s not enough of a gut punch to get laid off, you also need that slap in the face of the company taking the money you set aside for health expenses…

Damn you, delicious popcorn!

Any-wayyyyyy, I broke a crown earlier in the year on a popcorn kernel. I hadn’t gotten it fixed because the appointment was right before all the shelter-in-places (or shelters-in-place…?). I could have gone to the appointment, but there was enough news about the spread of the virus that I thought: do I realllllly want to have someone breathe in my face for two hours who has had a bunch of other people breathe in their face for hours….?

Sure, most dentists probably sufficiently sterilize their tools and wear gloves and masks and whatnot, but they are in people’s mouths all day spraying air and water and bits are flying all over the place! And those bits are in the air and on the chairs and you know they aren’t cleaning all that shit on a regular basis! Which is gross enough to think about on a regular day, but on a – there is a virus out there that we don’t understand and it is spreading day…..

So I cancelled the appointment and kept on rolling with my broken crown, which was thankfully not painful. Unhappily this meant giving up my love affair with large bowls of popcorn slathered in butter, salt and nutritional yeast. During a time when there was fuck all else to do except watch Netflix and eat delicious fucking popcorn, no less!

But nearly three months later, after much sheltering-in-place and social distancing, and with only three days to use my dental insurance and spend $500 on medical expenses, I decided it was time to take my chances and get the crown fixed.

So I called up my dentist and it just so happens that a big appointment had cancelled earlier that day. I was in luck! Or sort of in luck…

Why did it have to be Mean Dentist?

Let me explain… at this dentist office there are three dentists. Dr. H is the dentist I saw first many years ago and he is the absolute best. He has a gentle touch, nice demeanor, and gives sound advice. I have referred a bunch of friends and everybody loves him. However, he is the hardest to schedule with.

Next, there is Dr. Z. She’s amiable, generally has a soft touch, and even though sometimes I feel like she is talking to me like I’m a child, she seems to do good work and provides reasonable advice.

Then you have Dr. M. If I’m honest, I’m not even sure his last name begins with an M because all I know is that this guy suuuuuuuuuucks. He is the dentist that none of my friends want to schedule appointments with. The dentist that I have seen get in arguments with the front desk staff. The dentist who told me that my dental work was shit and he had no idea what I could possibly have been thinking when I was brushing my molars. Since I had been going to that same practice for quite a while, it seemed odd to me that my dental work could be considered shit. I thought he was such an asshole that I refused to go back to their practice for a few years.

I call him “Mean Dentist.”

So, yes, there was an opening that day. I could get my crown fixed before my insurance was gone. I could use my $500 in FSA funds. But, my appointment was going to have to be with Mean Dentist.

Adding insult to injury

Obviously, there could be no more perfect follow-up to getting laid off than to spend two hours under the heavy hand of Mean Dentist. But, I had a plan. I thought if I told him I got laid off, he would take some measure of pity on me. My plan mostly worked. While he still implied I brush my teeth with sugar, he was chattier and nicer than he has been before. It seemed like the visit might actually be ok.

Until, that is, I felt a sharp pain in my tongue. Mean Dentist had been drilling on the crown to get it to pop off. Debris and water were flying toward my throat. I moved my tongue and I felt pain.

It wasn’t long after that he was telling me that my gums were bleeding a lot. I felt the pain in my tongue still and I asked him if he was sure it was my gums because I thought that pain might have meant the drill had hit it. Mean dentist was sure that it was my gums because he didn’t know what I had been doing to my gums, but it was very bad indeed.

At some point, Mean Dentist said we needed to get the bleeding to stop, so I had to rinse with hydrogen peroxide. Now, I don’t know if you have ever done that before, but it is … decidedly not awesome. You sip the hydrogen peroxide and hold it in your mouth as it starts frothing up, bigger and bigger, as it interacts with the wound. When you finally spit it out, which you can hardly do because half your face is numb, it blubs out in a reddish brown foam that oozes from your lips.

Mean Dentist makes it weird

Thankfully, after two long hours, it was finally over. I had my temporary crown in and things were wrapping up. I had made it through! But, you know Mean Dentist wouldn’t leave it there. Now, it was time to make it weird.

Mean Dentist started to tidy up, let me rinse, removed my bib, etc., and told me I had done a good job. He said it was lucky that I had room to work at the back of my mouth because so many people don’t, which makes it hard to do work on the molars. He also said that people who grind their teeth tend to have wider tongues, which can also make it hard to do work in the back of the mouth, and it was fortunate that I had a slender tongue. Let that sink in… Slender. Tongue. Ummmm… what…?

I guarantee you I have never heard that said before, and I didn’t even know that was a thing. Is that a thing? I think Mean Dentist was trying to be nice, but because he lacked practice, he didn’t know how….?

Mean Dentist’s parting words were that if you brush somewhere and it bleeds, you should brush that spot harder. I have never heard that before and am slightly concerned he is trolling me.

And I didn’t even get the free toothbrush pack!