It’s been a while since I’ve done these, but it feels like a good time to talk etiquette. And how to directly tell people to fuck right off. So here are some proper swear-filled answers to questions I’ve taken from various advice columns.

A friend recently lost weight and shipped me some of her old clothing, which is too big for me. Her note said that it feels good to lighten the load of things in her life and that “more is on the way.” I’m now stuck with the job of getting rid of it. Plus, she’s wasting money on shipping. How do I discourage her from sending more? (Source: Real Simple)

First off, this is exactly why Marie Kondo says when you are saying goodbye to things that no longer bring you joy, don’t try to give your shit to other people. They don’t want your shit! You are burdening them by trying to give them your shit!

Second, this is a case of someone unnecessarily overcomplicating shit that is not complicated. How about just say: Hi friend – your clothes don’t fit me. No need to send more.

If that doesn’t work for you for whatever reason, let me propose some additional options:

• We have different taste in clothes, please stop sending me stuff. And yes, by “different taste” I mean that your taste in clothes sucks.
• You may be lightening your load, but you are burdening me with a bunch of shit I don’t want. That makes Marie Kondo sad. You don’t want to make Marie Kondo sad do you?
• I don’t want your shit.

I broke up with my hairdresser and feel guilty about it. What explanation, if any, do I owe her? I feel terrible lying to her and avoiding her. Is there a protocol for this? (Source: Real Simple)

I find this fascinating. I have never in my life encountered my hairdressers outside of a salon. Is this a thing one has to worry about regularly? What lying and avoiding are necessary when you can just never see a person again? And honestly, how big of a role in that hairdresser’s life do you think you play…? Do you imagine that she’s spending her time wondering about you and agonizing over not having to make small talk with you anymore?

If you have an actual relationship with your hairdresser or she is part of your friend group or you live in a small town and you run into her all the time, just be upfront. All you have to say is – hey, I’m going to a new stylist now.

If not, I think maybe you might think you are a more central figure in this hairdresser’s life than you actually are, and it’s cool to just move on with your life and not worry about it.

I’m a single mom of an amazing 6-year-old boy. I asked my best friend if she would be his guardian if anything happened to me, and she said no.

She’s always said she didn’t want children, but she’s so great with my son that it really shocked me when she turned me down. I’m not close to my family, and I wouldn’t want them raising him because of our different values. My son’s father has never been in the picture; he would have absolutely no interest in raising my son, and I wouldn’t want him to. My friend has babysat my son and even had him for weekends, so I know how good she is with him and he loves her. She is a great person, but not conventionally attractive, and she’s never been in a relationship. I think she’s always said she didn’t want children because she knew that wasn’t in the cards for her. Maybe it has become such a habit that she actually believes it now. I think she would make a wonderful mother.

She’s the only person I want to raise my son if I’m not around, so I’m thinking I have two options: 1) Work on convincing her. She always comes around if I keep at her long enough. Or 2) Drop it for now, and express my preference in my will and leave a sealed letter detailing why she’s the only person I trust with my son. Which option is best? Or is there a better way to convince my friend that she should take my son? I’m not ill or dying, I just want this sorted out for my peace of mind. (Source: Slate)

Wow. WOW. Wowowowowow. … Holy. Fucking. SHIT. You are a horrible fucking friend and a garbage person! I 100% hope that your friend saw this and immediately called you to tell you to go fuck yourself.

#1: She has always said she doesn’t want children. You asked her, and she said no. So… you think… perhaps… SHE DOESN’T FUCKING WANT CHILDREN?!

#2: What you think about her decision regarding motherhood is meaningless!!

#3: Skrrrrt… I’m sorry, did you just say about your friend that you believe she’s too ugly to be in a relationship and have children…? Let me reiterate – you are an absolute shitpile of a human being. I would guess that your vile opinion is not well hidden from her and comes out in how you treat her and speak to her. This poor woman deserves someone who is a better friend.

#4: Seriously these are the only two options you can come up with?:

• harass my friend into doing what I want (and thereby coercing her into possibly having to take care of a living being she doesn’t want to take care of), and
• just do what I want anyway (without telling her and leave behind a beyond-the-grave letter in order to guilt and coerce her into accepting and therefore completely alter her life in a way she expressly declined).

#5: You may want to include an option that is more like – stop treating people like shit and develop healthy relationships with them so that someone who wants to look after my son can be his guardian if I die.

#6: You are a selfish asshat and I hope your friend stops talking to you.

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