It seemed like a fun idea to rewatch some of my earlier movie favorites to see if they are as I remembered them. And answer the question – how have they held up over time?
The Big Hit (1998)
I owned this movie. At some point, I liked The Big Hit enough to purchase it *on VHS* so that I could watch it multiple times. A movie that, I discovered upon rewatching, was very clearly made by men for their 14-year-old selves. Read this plot and tell me that this is not meant for pubescent boys:
Marky Mark is a guy who is super good at fighting. He gets paid to kick ass and take names. But on the inside, he’s just a really nice guy who wants to be liked! For this job, he kidnaps a girl (in a Catholic school girl uniform) and they just can’t help falling in love (even though he kidnapped her). Though that is so crazy because he already has a fiancé AND a mistress, so Marky is elbow deep in pussy! The job goes sideways, but in the end, it all works out. Also, there is a guy who talks about masturbating all the time.
Holy shit, WHY WAS THIS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES?!
The good
In the pro column, Marky Mark, Lou Diamond Phillips, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Bokeem Woodbine are all pretty stellar eye candy. And this was before I knew Marky Mark was convicted of racially-motivated assaults and Antonio was on his way to being a Trumpy sycophant, so I could really enjoy that eye candy.
There’s the throwback to video rental places harassing you for not rewinding tapes and charging late fees. Marky Mark’s totally 90s hair. A bunch of really fun action scenes with slow-mo and explosions and fake outs. Lou Diamond seemed like he was having so much fun hamming it up this whole movie!
The bad
Within about the first 10 minutes, one of the crew says he has been banging chicks since he was 10 (uhhhh… that doesn’t seem like a good thing?). Two others hit on traumatized women that were about to be sex trafficked. When the women say no, they are called lesbians. Because if a woman didn’t want to date some guy in the ’90s, obviously that meant she was a lesbian. And that was funny! Classic!!
Then there’s the rampant casual racism, attempted rape, recurring talk of “being whipped” by women and this actual dialogue:
Girl - So what happens now?
Marky - I drop you off and you go home
Girl - No I mean with us. What happens with us?
Marky - Look if you're going to be with me there are certain things you need to understand. I mean, I'm a contract killer. You know, I murder people for money. I mean, so far they've all been bad people. You know give or take a few obnoxious ones but that's what I do. It's the only thing I'm good at.
Girl - I'm cool with that.
Marky - But if you stay with me your life's going to be in danger.
Girl - A constant adrenaline rush? Are you kidding? I like it.
Marky - Understand this okay? I absolutely positively cannot be the only one falling head over heels in love in this relationship. It's got to be mutual.
Girl - I'm feeling you Skipper.
He kidnapped her – that is not romantic! But at the time, we thought it was – that is fucked up!
Does this movie hold up?
Unfortunately, this is a guilty pleasure that has become a relic of a bygone era. The misogyny is too thick and it bums me out how much my views on relationships and women (and thus my own perceived value) were shaped by movies like this.
Tango & Cash (1989)
First, yes I still own this movie! Second, I’m not even going to pretend like it has been a long time since I last saw this movie. The result is that no matter how bad this movie is, you can’t tell me shit about it because I love it anyway!
The plot recap is as such – it’s a classic buddy cop movie with a twist of exoneration from a crime they didn’t commit. You’ve got Sylvester Stallone (Tango) who is the bougie cop. He wears suits and trades stocks and you know he’s smart because he wears glasses. You’ve got Kurt Russell (Cash) who is the regular guy cop. He… has feathered hair. They are out there busting up Jack Palance’s drug running and you just don’t fuck with a guy who can do one-armed pushups at 73 years old. Jack frames them for murder, they go to prison, they escape, and they track him down to clear their names.
The good
I just love some classically 80s action movie dialogue. You’ve got the post-fight/post-kill puns like this:
The bad guys get thrown through the front window of their semi-truck. Sly- Glad you could drop in. You like jewelry? (He's holding handcuffs) Bad guy- Fuck you. Sly- I prefer blondes.
You’ve got the references to actors’ other ’80s movies. Like this:
Angry state cop - We checked the whole truck asshole and there's nothing in it and you're out of your neighborhood big city boy. I want your badge, I want your weapon, I want your ass! Who in the fuck do you think you are? Other state cop - He thinks he's Rambo. Sly - Rambo is a pussy.
You know – cuz Sly is Rambo! Brilliant! Immensely satisfying!
The theme music is a million percent ’80s and on point. Jack Palance has a mirror maze in his office for no apparent reason. Did I forget to mention that Sylvester Stallone’s sister is played by Teri Hatcher? And in another classically ’80s trope, she is a dancer – AKA she gyrates in front of a large industrial fan before banging on electric drum pads. Hilarious!
The bad
While he’s a cop, Cash tortures a guy for information and later calls him a racist slur. The prison scenes definitely include the old dropping the soap gag and other references to rape. There are also some jokes that don’t really hold up to current sensibility.
Does this movie hold up?
I understand this movie was likely never actually “good” to begin with, but I think it still delivers on the promise of hammy ridiculousness.
To see my review of another throwback movie I recently rewatched, check out: Wherein I dedicate a post to the movie The Net