It turns out there are a number of somewhat dysfunctional or perhaps not quite normal things I do that ended up being pretty functional for coping with a life of relative isolation during an ongoing pandemic. Who knew?!

These are some of the secrets to my success.

Enjoy having no plans

There was a time when making plans with people excited me. That was maybe… 10 years ago…?

I mean, seriously though… you want me to decide today what kind of food I’m going to want to eat two weeks from now? And when and where I’m going to eat it? You want me to come home from work and not immediately take off my bra and get in my pajamas? You want me to tell you at this moment if I’ll want to go on a leisurely walk or a strenuous hike in three weeks? What if the weather is shitty? Or I feel gross? What if that day comes and I just don’t feel like doing anything? I don’t know if I will feel like doing something in addition to whatever other stuff I am mandated to do to be a reasonably contributing member of society!

That kind of foresight is a lot to ask of someone!

I was infamous at my last job for responding “maybe” to every social invite. Sometimes (aka most of the time) it is a game-time decision! Sometimes I only agree to make plans in the first place because I am 90% sure the other person is going to cancel anyway. And then I don’t look like an anti-social asshole. Win-win!

“Day of” me always wonders what the fuck the me who agreed to plans was thinking. But, when I do make plans and someone cancels them, this lovely turn of events secretly delights me. Because it means I can stay home and watch Netflix, which is probably what I wanted to do anyway.

Embrace the freedom and magic of a life of isolation where you don’t have to commit to doing stuff or being anywhere at any time!

Your pet is your new best friend

Not to belabor this, so feel free to check out this or this or this or this….

If you don’t have a pet, maybe buy a fish. Or a cactus. I don’t know you so figure out what level of commitment makes sense!

Say goodbye to hair cuts

I only get my hair cut every 1 to 2 years. How often people are surprised by this surprises me. Like – you have seen my hair right…? What makes you think I do anything besides the most basic of socially-appropriate maintenance for it?

My hair has always been fine and as I have gotten older it has also grown super thin. Before I go to a hairstylist, I ask if they know how to cut super fine, thinning hair. They normally say yes. Spoiler alert – they DON’T KNOW!

Since I hate approximately 95% of all hair cuts I receive and they cost an amount of money I think is unacceptable to pay for something I hate, I don’t get my hair cut often. The 5% exception being when my mom gives me a trip to the fancy salon as a Christmas present, which come to think of it is maybe just her way of letting me know I need a hair cut…

This is the perfect time to try out whatever weird ass hairstyles you have always wanted to try! Dye it! Shave it all off! Try that thing of putting your hair in a ponytail and then just cutting off the ponytail! Give yourself bangs! Hardly anyone will see! But maybe buy a hat first just in case?

Shop at Costco

While I am but a one-person plus cat household, you would not know that from the barrel of five spice, the backpack-sized block of cheddar cheese, or the 8lb bag of french fries I bought the last time I went to Costco.

No, those things don’t go together in a recipe. Also, I don’t particularly know what to do with five spice. Recipes are welcome. But who cares?!

Make your wildest dreams come true! Roll around in a vast wealth of toilet paper while you eat cheese fries! Maybe that’s my wildest dream, but you understand what I mean!