Because a few years back, I traded in airline points for free magazines (and then somehow just kept getting them), I have stacks of magazines all around my place. One of my favorite things has always been reading the etiquette and advice questions people ask. But, I find the answers are much more kind, more polite, and therefore much more indirect than I would ever be.

The etiquette experts are always giving people some super roundabout way of trying to bring up whatever subject is bothering them instead of just straightforward saying whatever it is. Then people seem surprised that they have to decipher what other people really mean when they say something. So, I decided to take questions from the magazines I had laying around and answer them myself.

Here we go.

I live at the end of a cul-de-sac and I work from home. My neighbors let their kids outside for hours at a time, and they ride their bikes in circles. It’s very distracting, and their loud voices have interrupted conference calls I’ve been on with VIPs. My mom says I don’t have the right to tell them to be quiet. Isn’t it better I say something, especially to the parents who live at the other end of the road? I’m getting angrier by the day!

This is a really hard one because children are truly terrible. They make way too much noise. They’re dirty and germy. They talk about the most boring shit ever or they have snotty attitudes. Yet, you aren’t supposed to swear at them and tell them they’re being assholes. Overall, they provide little to no entertainment value. But, running around and exploring the world and being obnoxious is pretty much what it means to be a child.

I suggest playing the long game on this one. Start working toward being your neighborhood’s scary old lady in the scary-looking house on the block, and then they just won’t want to come near you or your house.

My best friend has cats, and her house smells so strongly of them that I don’t feel comfortable visiting. What can I do?

Stop going to her house.

How do I politely say no when people ask to pet my dog?

This is an incredibly tricky one. You open your mouth and say “No” in a normal tone of voice.

I have a neighbor who never picks up her dog’s poop and it’s on my lawn. How do I approach her?

You approach her with a bag full of her dog’s poop and tell her that she left something in your yard. Or if you have your own dog or cat you have them poop in her yard so everything is fair and square. But… you know what I think a relationship with neighbors should be like.

Our neighbor makes delicious baked goods – cinnamon rolls, banana bread – and shares them with us. However, she adds nuts to every recipe! My family doesn’t like nuts in our baked goods. How do we keep the treats coming and show our gratitude, but get her to stop adding nuts?

Is this a for reals question? I don’t understand. You want someone who is giving you free, delicious baked goods to make them according to your tastes…? Someone gives you delicious, free baked goods, and you are complaining because she adds nuts? Am I not understanding this correctly? You get that your neighbor probably makes a big batch based on what she likes to eat and then shares the extras with you, right?

Suck it up and eat the fucking nuts!!

A friend asked multiple families to join her family for a local theater performance. During intermission, I learned she’d had a dinner party beforehand. She invited everyone but us, which I found hurtful. Am I being too sensitive?

No, your friend is an asshole. Also, maybe she isn’t your actual friend.

My mother-in-law is known for sending cards and gifts months in advance of the holiday or birthday they’re intended for. I find it insincere. Am I misinterpreting the gesture? Is early better than nothing at all?

I wish I could get more information on this question. Like, are the cards and gifts really shitty or something…? Or is it one of those things where she is always on the lookout for gifts and sends them right when she finds them? Is she on a budget and has to take advantage of buying when she can? Because I think the answer might be that you just don’t like your mother-in-law….

I am legit so confused by the number of questions having to do with being annoyed about receiving free shit…. Like… I don’t know… How about just be grateful anybody wants to give you anything because you sound like entitled shitheads…? Isn’t that part of good etiquette…?

Do you have an etiquette question you'd like me to answer? Leave it in the comments below!