If you don’t know about Love Trap (and there is no particular reason why you should), it is a bit where people call in to a radio show and tell the hosts why they suspect their significant other (SO) is cheating on them. The radio hosts then call the SO and set a trap to try to catch them red-handed while the other person is on the phone. It’s a classic Mean Girls three-way call attack.

As the person calling in (who ~98% of the time is a woman calling in about a man) details all the little things that have made her suspicious, I nod along. Huh, that’s weird…. ? … girrrrrrrrrl, that is definitely suspicious… ?… he did what…?! … he is for sure lying!!

After she lays out her case, the hosts call the SO to lay the trap. They offer free flowers and ask who the SO wants to send them to. And so, the game is afoot! Will he answer the phone? He does. Will he believe he was randomly selected to get free flowers despite being totally skeptical at first? He does! Will he give his girlfriend’s name as the person to send the flowers to…..?! He does NOT.

Fun fact: I once called in to a radio show to ask a relationship question, which I only defend by saying it really was a thing people did (remember shows like Loveline??). I can’t remember what I asked, but I’m pretty sure the host said – break up with that guy. Which was 100% accurate and I should have done it right then, but I didn’t. My dad called me right after I hung up to see what I was up to, but he asked with a hint of suspicion in his voice that made me think he had heard me on the radio. I made some shit up and to this day have no idea if he heard me and I never will.

The Love Trap snaps shut

This is where it gets really lively. The radio host says the SO can include a message on the card and asks what the message should say. The guy will say something like – “Wish we could spend more time together” or “To the hottest workout buddy ever, always thinking about you” or “You have been the best surprise of my life”

Approximately 4 milliseconds later you hear – who the *bleep* is Ashley and why are you sending her flowers?!

For one sweet delightful moment, you feel the exquisite payoff of the guy being incredibly confused about what is going on as he realizes he just got caught in a lie.

But it doesn’t end there.

But why…?!

The woman tries to get her SO to come clean because she wants a reason why he lied or cheated. She ? must ? know ? why ?. But inevitably the response is the same. Even though he has been caught, he denies it and she doesn’t get the explanation she wanted. And to be fair, no explanation would do.

Instead, she gets: What are you talking about? She’s just a friend. You’re paranoid. What, am I not allowed to have friends? You’re crazy. I haven’t been acting weird. You’re the one who [did something fairly normal] and that’s why I [couldn’t help where I stuck my dick]!

Fun fact: I have 100% experienced this gaslighting (more than once!). For example, I dated a guy who worked in the same building I did. He said he wasn’t seeing anyone else. Then, I legit saw him kissing another woman in the plaza across the street!! I walked up to them and said he needed to get his boxes out of my garage (long story… but he didn’t come to get them, so I put that shit out on the street!). Afterward, this fuckface had the nerve to tell me that I didn’t see them kiss!! It was so dumbfounding I actually started to doubt myself!

I don’t need your reasons

And that’s what is so relatably, fascinatingly sad about it. The women call into the show because they already have a number of reasons to suspect they should end the relationship. They call in because he is distant or cold or dismissive. Because they don’t trust what he says. He has not treated her well. Or because they weren’t spending much time together. He hasn’t been responsive. He hasn’t been particularly affectionate or loving or kind.

In one Love Trap, a woman described her “very passionate relationship” with her boyfriend. Their highs were very high and their lows were very low. They would get into arguments and he could be very jealous. They would have blowouts and he would stop talking to her. A few days would go by and he would come back smothering her with attention. The only explanation she could think of for his behavior was that there must be another woman. (Spoiler alert: there were a few.) To their credit, the hosts told her she should leave the relationship regardless of the outcome of the call.

Cut yourself loose

It takes a lot of reflection to untangle all those things you came to unknowingly accept about relationships over time. That passion equates to volatility (and therefore a man’s inability to control how he treats you?). That mistreatment or consistenly being hot/cold is tolerable because maybe even though he’s a total asshole he actually deep down really cares (and so you should forgive his bad behavior?). That if a man cheats on you it’s everybody’s fault but his (because he is not accountable for his dick’s actions?).

That your appearance dictates whether you are deserving of love (because if aren’t deemed attractive, you should be grateful to get what you can?). That your value and worth are tied to your ability to get a man (which diminishes as you age or get ill or gain weight?).

That for a woman your wholeness depends upon being in a relationship. That for a woman being in a relationship has value even over [insert anything else here apparently].

And this is what absolutely terrifies me about the dynamic of male/female relationships (and why I have retreated from the dating scene for quite some time now) – the contortions required of us to make those ridiculous narratives work.

That being single means you can’t be happy or whole. That there seems to be some expectation that a woman needs a justification aside from her own unhappiness in order to leave a relationship. Or possibly that the bar is so low in terms of treatment she should willingly accept.

Fun fact: The decision to stay in a relationship isn’t just about what he does, it’s about what you want to do! You don’t have to let someone dictate the terms of the relationship or make you feel less than! Being single is a valid life choice!