So I head over to Letterboxd to add my review for F9 (aka Fast and Furious 9) and see that it has an average rating of 2.8. TWO. Point. EIGHT?! You have got to be kidding me.

Let me just tell you something.

This is the ninth movie in the series. NINTH! You know exactly what you are walking into at this point. Ridiculously impossible car action sequences, fight sequences, and family. If you don’t want that, you are not living your life a quarter-mile at a time, and you shouldn’t even be here!

I mean, really, are you coming in here at movie number nine (no I am not including Hobbs and Shaw) to complain about Vin Diesel being a bad actor? Or about the stunts defying the laws of physics? NO SHIT! We know that already.

That is why you come! You come to see what insane shit they will do to raise the bar even higher than before. And of course, you come because family.

The mostly stupid and wrong reviews

Ummmm…. They met CARDI B and went to SPACE! Deserves at least 4 out of 5 stars.

This person clearly doesn’t care about #JusticeForHan. Not to mention that John Cena ziplining through all of Edinburgh for about ten minutes straight is easily worth 4 out of 5 stars on its own.

How about we settle this on the black top, huh? For pink slips. (Throwback to 2 Fast 2 Furious, 5 out of 5 stars.)

That you would go to the trouble of leaving a review on Letterboxd says otherwise. I’m guessing the 1/2 star was what you got for the sex. (Middle school-level burn, 5 out of 5 stars.)

Only acceptable review of fewer than 4 stars. Should definitely be watched with your chosen familia for maximal enjoyment.