Dating apps ask a million stupid questions that don’t matter. When it comes down to it, sure it might be nice if you have similar tastes in movies and music, but that doesn’t get down to the shit you really need to know if you are going to be around someone day after day for years.

These are the kinds of questions people should be asking one another when they start dating if they are looking for dating to turn into a long-term, cohabitating relationship.

Do you wash between your butt cheeks?

Seems like a bold choice for a first question to someone you have recently started dating, but that’s because it may be the most important question you ever ask a potential romantic partner.

If you aren’t actually getting between the crack with some soap and water on the reg, that’s a fatal hygiene flaw that no amount of anything else is going to fix. You cannot expect anyone to mush privates with you or put their face down there if you aren’t doing minimal hygienic maintenance. Also, this question lets you understand a person’s overall hygiene regimen.

Truly, the only acceptable answer to this question is yes.

How long can I leave the dishes in the sink before you will get pissed? What if I leave them on the counter because the sink is full and/or I am too lazy to put them in the sink…?

If I must narrow it down to one flaw that would annoy someone I live with, it’s probably that I fucking hate doing the dishes. The caveat here is that I haven’t lived somewhere that has a dishwasher in nearly 15 years, so maybe if I lived some place with actual appliances, I might not be such a beast.

So maybe I could do better or maybe at this point we just need to accept me for who I am, huh?

In the meantime, I’m going to need a grace period of two days.

Will you let me watch my shows or is it going to be a thing?

If you are one of those people who smugly says they don’t have a TV, please get the fuck out of my face immediately. We have no future together.

With your and/or another person’s income could you reasonably afford a 2BR/1+BA living accommodation?

I’m not saying this is something everyone needs, but if I am living with another person, this is gonna be a requirement. First off, we need at least two toilets. I pee approximately 57 times a day and I have IBS. There is absolutely no way that I am going to do the peepee dance or almost shit myself in my own home. I cannot have that kind of stress.

Secondly, I’m going to say the thing every person in a long-term relationship has wanted to say at some point. I do not want to fucking sleep next to you.

You snore. Loudly. You move around. You’re some temperature that isn’t the same temperature I am. You have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and that wakes me up.

I fart. Loudly. I move around a lot. My ideal sleep positions are starfish and diagonally across the bed. I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and that will probably wake you up.

There is nothing about our relationship that will get better when we are both sleep-deprived. It doesn’t mean anything negative about our relationship if we don’t sleep next to one another all the time. Or ever. Possibly, it even means our relationship is stronger because we are well-rested and don’t feel the need to adhere to societal bullshit dictating what relationships and sleeping situations must look like.

That’s why we will need two bedrooms (one of which also doubles as a guest room/catio/office).

Do you regularly eat vegetables? Please note, for the purposes of this question french fries don’t count.

This question is specifically intended to weed out two types of people.

The first type are those who wanted to count french fries as their vegetable intake. Or who try to make the argument that the US government once qualified pizza as a vegetable for school lunch purposes so pizza is vegetables.

You are supposed to be an adult and part of being an adult is doing shit you maybe don’t want to do because you have to in order to be a reasonably functioning human. I need to know that you are not still trying to act like a child and I’m not here to be anybody’s mommy figure. (Except possibly my cat’s which will be covered in subsequent questions).

The second type is the chest-beating “Real men eat meat!” type. I’m not into weird macho bullshit. I also have the feeling if you are a must always eat meat type, you will want me to cook for you or eat meat all the time too, which I absolutely will not do.

Are you willing to give a cat an inhaler?

Yes, my cat has an inhaler.

Sometimes I think she doesn’t actually need it and she only breaks out into coughing fits because she has gotten too fat to easily lick her butthole without needing to gasp for breath. But I give it to her anyway because I’d be an asshole if I was wrong about that.

You should be willing to give my cat her inhaler because sometimes I want to go on trips without you and someone needs to take care of her. Also, if you aren’t willing to do this, you are probably a self-involved unfeeling monster who doesn’t like animals and I want no part of that.

Will you make fun of me when I talk to my cat in a variety of voices/accents? What about if I make up songs for my cat?

Do not shame me for what I was born to do. I am the world’s premier cat entertainer and I must perform.

Can you take direction?

There is a good chance I am better than you are at putting together Ikea furniture. So just tell me now, will you listen to me when I tell you what to do, or are you going to be a stubborn asshole about it?

Also, there’s a good chance I am better than you are at knowing what feels good for me physically. So just tell me now, will you listen to me when I tell you what to do, or are you going to be a stubborn asshole about it?

Can we talk openly about farts and poop?

An important part of any relationship is transparency and open communication. Right?

I need to be able to say things like:

• I know this food gives me gas, but I want to eat it and then I’m going to go hide in my room so I can fart the rest of the night. Don’t come in. Cool?
• I cannot leave the hotel room because I haven’t shit in three days and I’m worried about what will happen when I finally do have to go. Go on without me.
• You knew what you were getting into when you ordered the garlic knots!

We don’t have to get graphic about it, but if you are expecting someone who daintily pretends they don’t have bodily functions, we are not a match.

If I am smarter and/or make more money than you, can you deal with it?

I have found this can be a tough one for some men. Dating someone who finds it a blow to their ego if I pay for dinner or know something they don’t is not the kind of shit I have time for. Kthxbai!