There are people out there who think you should be friends with your neighbors. That you should know who they are, know all about their lives, etc. Those people could not be more wrong.
My nightmare is being caught in a small talk conversation with neighbors that lasts more than 25 seconds. By the one minute mark, I’m already internally screaming and begging for the end of days to come.
Rules for my neighbors
Let me describe an ideal relationship with neighbors. If we see each other, we can nod and say Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, as appropriate. I won’t steal anything from you. You don’t steal anything from me. If I see someone trying to rob your place, I’ll call the cops. Maybe I will yell out the window at them. You will do the same.
We will not borrow stuff from one another. I will make an exception for temporary use of jumper cables because I’m not a total monster.
If you have children, you will not encourage them to talk to me. One exception will be made for Halloween. However, that is only if your children don’t knock on my door after 8PM and they don’t act like ungrateful little assholes. Because clearly I’m gonna have the good candy, so respect that shit.
If you have a cat or dog, you will let me play with them. You will be responsible for cleaning up your pet’s poop, as well as any animals it might kill. And cleaning up its poop does not mean pushing it into a pile and pretending it’s compost. Don’t be a jerk.
If your cat or dog is cool, we may be able to come to an arrangement on some mutual pet-sitting during vacation times. This is a privilege, do not abuse it.
If we run into one another outside of our neighborhood, we can engage in brief, casual chit chat. Basically, it would be like if you were out somewhere and ran into a coworker you don’t particularly know or like.
Special allowance will be given for you to have one, possibly two, gatherings on a weekend per year that are loud and go late enough to prevent me from sleeping. I’d say you will have to make the same allowance for me, but why the fuck would I want a bunch of people at my house making a mess and preventing me from going to sleep when I want to?
Oh, and if you have a yard sale, you’ll cut me a little price break and not try to sell me any shit you know secretly doesn’t work that well anymore.
I want a cordial relationship with my neighbors, too — we all keep an eye out for each other as far as theft, property damage, etc., but we don’t have to fear exiting our homes that we’re going to be ensnared in a long-winded conversation while WE CLEARLY HAVE PLACES TO BE WHICH IS WHY WE WALKED OUT THE DOOR. I have friends who live on a small Alaskan island, and I was mortified to realize that every time they run errands they are likely to run into people they know.
If I am about to leave my place and hear that someone in my building has just left there apartment, I will actually wait a few minutes just to avoid running into them. Because I have heard them having LONG conversations in front of the building with other neighbors or I myself have ended up in like 20 minute conversations with about stuff like bulky trash pickup. And the whole time I’m just like – why? WHY?! I am clearly not meant for small town living.