First off, let me just say if there was ever a time I would consider jumping back into the dating scene, it would be during this pandemic. You’re telling me all I have to do is put on a somewhat decent shirt and PJ bottoms? Walk into my living room and open up my laptop? And if the guy sucks, I just pretend like my internet connection is shitty…?

Or, if we hit it off, I have a new buddy to text when I’m bored, who can tell me what day it is, and help me decide what takeout to get. You know, because this would be social distance dating. I wouldn’t be getting within 6 feet of him or touching any of his body parts. (And on that point, Nicole Byer said it best.)

That is precisely the level of effort I am willing to put into dating!

Except, actually, I’d probably still stay single because dating fucking sucks.

I legit don’t understand anyone who looks back on dating life fondly or thinks they are missing out on something. Like … in all your time dating you never went in for a polite hug and came away with an unexpected sucked earlobe or licked neck? You never found yourself getting an unwanted amateur lap dance? Or went back to a dude’s house and then because more than slightly concerned it was a drug den? Drank too much at a party, barfed, and then had to sneak away before anyone found out?

Is that just me…?

Swipe left on dating

Just to think of all the time I wasted in my 20s and 30s on OkCupid and Match (and even eHarmony because I got fucking desperate to find a boyfriend)! Time I spent trying to create interesting profiles and convince dudes that I’m witty. Dudes who probably didn’t give a shit what my profile said. Time wasted building up expectations because some guy who messaged me seemed like a somewhat stable non-sociopath, liked the same music or movies I did, and generally appeared to be adhering to basic standards of hygiene.

Then, figuring out when and where to meet and what to wear. The anxiety of what to do when it’s clear that it’s not going well, the chemistry you thought you had is totally not there, the guy ends up being more interested in himself than in you*, or the person is not at all what you thought.

Deciding how long you have to wait before you can leave and reasonably tell yourself that you weren’t rude. Also, do you even need to give it a fair shot for some random you met on an app…? My policy used to be one drink/one hour. But, in my old age I’d prob give that shit a tight 20. I don’t have the energy to try to suck in my stomach or not look uncomfortable bar stool for an hour anymore.

*PS: Can I please tell you how many dates I have been on where I realized I could have tagged out halfway through, left a mannequin in my place, and the guy wouldn’t have noticed because the only thing he was interested in talking about was himself? Ok, honestly, the number isn’t going to be like super high because I never dated much, but it’s high proportionally.

It’s enough times that I had a game to entertain myself in these situations. It was – how long will he keep talking before he realizes I haven’t said a word…? Answer is – usually a reallllly long time. Special recognition goes to the time that the guy asked me a question, but the question was about how impressive I thought he was. Answer I wish I gave: “Bro, what I think is that you have already found your soulmate and it is you. You are more impressed with yourself than anyone else ever could be.“

Other assorted things I don’t like about dating

Sometimes I don’t know when I’m on a date. I am pretty sure a big part of dating includes knowing that you are on a date. It is 100% possible that my dating life was much better (or much worse…?) than I realize. I have met up with a guy and realized much later it was a date on more than one occasion….

Like, here I am meeting good old “John” at the coffee shop, so I show up in a grubby t-shirt, jeans and ponytail. Meanwhile, “John” is wearing a tie and dress shirt and thinks we are heading to dinner afterward. Or I’m out getting pizza with “Chris” and he opens the car door for me and I’m like – dude, quit being weird, I can open my own car door. Speaking of which…

Chivalry can be really uncomfortable and weird. Sure, I totally get that opening the car door is supposed to be chivalrous or whatever, but for real, it makes me so uncomfortable. Nobody looks good getting in or out of a car! I am certainly not doing that shit gracefully and it makes me super self-conscious if you are watching me do it. So just let me hide my pasty legs or possibly hit my head because I underestimated how much I had to bend over in private!

The battle of personal space. I suppose another part of dating is that you’re ultimately trying to get their personal space in your personal space. But if you are me, when someone is inching closer and closer, I am only thinking – why are you so fucking close to me?

Why is your face six inches away from mine? Can you see these huge fucking glasses on my face? I can’t even focus my eyeballs that close in! If you are that close to me and I am not looking at you or leaning in, read the room! Would I make it this hard for you to kiss me if i wanted to kiss you?? I don’t want to be ever vigilant because if I slightly turn towards some guy he thinks he can go for it.

Inappropriate getting to know you questions. Sometimes dudes feel the need to spice it up and ask “sexy” questions.

“Do you like to go skinny dipping?” If you mean take a bath while my cat watches, then yes, very much so.

“What food would you like lick off of people’s bodies?” No thank you sir! The only acceptable hair in my food is my hair or my cat’s hair.

Maybe I just don’t understand sexy talk…?

In conclusion

Right now you are probably thinking — maybe you have been dating horrible dudes? First off, let me commend you for being 100% absolutely correct.

But like… that’s the POINT right?! You don’t KNOW they are horrible until you go on the date! You don’t get to magically skip the part where you avoid all the horrible dating bullshit just to get to the one person who isn’t going to one day try to wear your skin or slowly and methodically breakdown your self-esteem.

In summary, dating is horrible.