Ohhhhh the DivaCup…. As if I needed one more feminine hygiene product to be shoved down my throat (or more accurately shoved up my vagina?).

Before I go too far, this isn’t even about the DivaCup or menstrual cups in general. The menstrual cup is a wonderful invention. I’m super happy if that is something you can spend the time and money to figure out and works for you.

However, what I’m not interested in is people trying to persuade me they know more about my body and what I should stick into it than I do. We have more than enough… of that… going on… as it is.

Pads – the adult diaper of feminine hygiene, but I’m not mad at it

Back when I started my period 100 years ago, there were pads. At that point, you were just super happy you had something that could stick to your underwear and would mostly stay in place. Then “wings” got more popular and were just like heaven sent. Because, while it has never happened to me (no, really, it hasn’t!), I have certainly walked across a random pad on the ground. A pad you know had just come unattached from someone’s underwear, slid down their pants leg or out their skirt and plopped on the ground. And you KNOW that shit was embarrassing as fuck!

But then you get to high school and it’s all like – ewwww pads are so gross, why do you want to wear a DIAPER? And of course you don’t want to wear a diaper! You were never claiming that shit was the best! But when you get basically no education about your own body and it is treated like some shameful/mysterious thing you can’t ask questions about, wearing a pad was EASY. You didn’t need an instruction manual to figure that shit out.

Tampons – striking fear into the newly menstrual since forever

So then you start wearing a tampon because you don’t want people to shame you or think you’re gross for wearing a pad. Besides, all the feminine hygiene commercials of women frolicking in parks and riding bikes makes it seem like wearing a tampon is sooooo easy and you are a stupid chump if you’re not using tampons.

But, there is most definitely a learning curve to that shit. Tampons come with full-on instructions and a diagram! It takes practice to find the right angle so it doesn’t feel like you are stabbing yourself and it is actually in the right position. And the instructions always show one leg up, but it’s like, ok, you are in a bathroom stall. What are your propping your leg up on…?

But there’s more…

So now you’re doing the tampon thing. Even though sometimes you think it’s bullshit because on a heavy flow day you have to wear a tampon *and* a pantyliner or pad anyway, so what’s the point. You wonder if it’s normal that when you poop, which you seem to have to do a lot on your period, your tampon squeezes out. And you’re thinking – if I’m pooping this damn thing out all the damn time, why am I not just wearing a pad?! (And yes, pooping more often when you are on your period is normal. So is pushing out a tampon while you poop.)

Then, some other fine arbiter of womanhood starts going on about how you really should be getting the organic cotton tampons. The ones that don’t have an applicator because applicators are bad for the environment. No applicators? Do you expect that when I’m on a heavy flow day and I have blood clots the size of a kumquat coming out (because we always seem to talk about the size of women-related health stuff in relation to fruit…?) I’m gonna stick my fingers up there? And come out of a bathroom stall at work looking like I just came out of doing surgery? Sorry, but hard fucking pass. 

After which, you learn you’re not supposed to flush tampons down the toilet. Oops! You have only been doing that for about a million years. Nobody ever mentioned that shit before! And it never occurred to you to put it in the trash because are you gonna take the trash in the bathroom out like every day now? Fuck no! You don’t take any of the trash out until it’s damn near overflowing because who can be bothered with that!

Menstrual cups – the new kid on the block

And then comes the goddamn DivaCup. Everyone is like – “Oh my God you HAVE to use the DivaCup! It’s SO good for the environment and it’s SO easy. All you do is stick this little cup in. It collects the blood and then you just dump it out!” 

Okay goddammit – all you have to do…? Trying to insert one of those cups is like the moment when you’re getting a pap smear and the doctor says they’re opening up the specula just a bit more. And you’re like – bitch, that thing can’t get any more open!!! That shit was painful! I felt like I needed some lube and it should have bought me dinner first.

Did you say pantyliner?

There may also come a time when you spend about 300 out of 365 days a year spotting. This will be the annoying, unsatisfying, night sweats-filled, hormonal, am I ever going to just have my damn period already? phase. This is when you realize you might be starting perimenopause. You also realize that no one ever told you that shit starts in your fucking 30s or 40s and can last for like 10 years!!!

At this point, pantyliners will pretty much become your best friend. Then someone will probably shame you about not having Thinx, but not every mother fucker can afford $35 pairs of underwear! But if you want to buy me some of those sweet Thinx, I’d damn sure like to try them out.

The moral of the story

The reality is that different feminine hygiene products work at different times, at different ages and for different bodies.

So, you do you and let other women do the same.

PS – I came across this video when I was looking up stuff about menstrual cups. It is a wonderful internet gem that talks about real shit like how your cervix can move throughout your cycle. They also mention that just like with a tampon you might poop your cup out! Now I’m thinking about how some poor woman did that and had to decide if she would go into the toilet after it…. ☹️